Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Hanging On


I am not complaining.
I am not looking for a pick me up.
I am grateful.
I am blessed.
I am loved.
I am happy.
Yet there are times when I just feel a bit overwhelmed....
By the day to day routine...
 By the unpredictability of children...
 Because parenting two children shouldn't take this much energy....
I shouldn't be this tired.
I look at mothers of 3,4,5,6 children and marvel at how they keep it all together.
Doubt creeps in.  I second guess myself.
Am I doing something wrong? I judge.  I criticize.
Did I handle this or that situation right?
Could I have done more, 
should I have been more patient?
Are my expectations too high, not high enough?


Am I modeling the behaviors and values I want them to copy?
There are some days I tuck my boys into bed and think, ok,
we are alright we made it through another day.
We are hanging on...
Don't misunderstand.
There are PLENTY of good days. 
In fact, MOST are, even if just for their simple normalcy. 
We have AMAZING days too...
Filled with these perfect, golden moments.
And then there are the in between days.
or the days when it feels like everything is falling apart.  
But then I hear a song like this (click to hear)
And I am reminded I am not in this alone.
I am reminded that yes, there are going to be days when I get by with God's grace alone.
And that is ok.
It is my nature to desire harmony all the time, as unrealistic as that is.
I need to get better at not blaming myself for things that are out of my control.
When I feel like I am sweeping up crumbs for the 100th time in a day,
I give thanks my children are growing and have plenty to eat.
When the noise level in the house reaches a high that makes the walls shake,
I give thanks that I have 2 active boys and that they have room to run and play.
(then I ask them to keep it down. :))
When I can't seem to get a thing done between temper tantrum and tears,
I give thanks that I am needed. That there is still much mothering to be done.
And when I find myself questioning how I measure up in the motherhood department,
I too give thanks.  Thanks that I am am still growing, learning, changing. 
That there is room for me, for all of us, to be better versions of ourselves.
And I give thanks that when I look and listen long enough,
even those days when I feel I'm just hanging on, 
there is understanding, love, and support in abundance.
Thanks for letting me share a glimpse of my heart.
 xo,
Tess

15 comments :

  1. Beautifully written! I couldn't agree more myself. Now if I can just teach myself to see the good when those trying events are occurring, as opposed to a day later, we'll be in business! Something to strive for.

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  2. Hello,

    A beautiful post today.
    Take care.
    Claudia

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  3. Oh Tessa, I feel that way too. Motherhood is a very rewarding experience but it can be both mentally and physically exhausting. Keep charging on, my friend, your are a wonderful MOM!!! Your boys are so richly blessed each and every day.

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  4. Well said, Kat. You are a great Mom...and blogger :)

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  5. Your post today seems to be quite "from the heart." Beautiful...We all feel that overwhelmed-ness. I teach at an elementary school, and not only do I feel the same with my personal children, but also for the 18 that in my charge from 8-4. I love your phrase "a better version of ourselves." I think that is what we are all striving for.
    Thanks for a heartfelt post today.

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  6. Oh how I understand! So many days I feel this way. It can be very difficult to NOT compare myself to other moms. Especially when I see blogs with "super moms!". My house is not always clean. I am not always fixing meals with all organic ingredients. And there is always a load of laundry (or 5) that needs to be done. But........if I stop and think about it, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my children are HAPPY. I am HAPPY. My husband is HAPPY. So, I count my many blessings and hope that at some point there will be 5 mores hours added to the day. Maybe then I will be a super mom! :)

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  7. Tessa, you've hit the mark. We've all been there, asked those questions, worried about our skills as mothers and whether or not we're making the right decisions. Thanks for articulating it so well!

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  8. thanks for sharing this day with us...
    it's easy to share the good days...when everyone gets along and you feel like all is well...

    a little harder to share the days when you totally mess up as a mom and have all the wrong responses....or when your kids make wrong choices that they should know by now....

    love your heart...and you are so, so right..
    it is by GRACE ALONE that any of us survive!

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  9. i understand exactly what you are feeling/saying. i think all of us mothers can relate and have felt the same way. great post.

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  10. d.i.t.t.o.
    i think we have the hard days to make us appreciate those golden moments even more. big mommy hug to you, tessa! xoxo

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  11. That was one of the most beautiful written pieces written on the challenges, insecurities, and joys of being a mom. Thank you... xox

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  12. Parenting is the hardest job you'll ever have as well as the most rewarding. There are no guide books or written rules to follow. What works one day, fails the next. However, at the end of each day if have tried your best, and loved your hardest, you’ve accomplished a great task. One day, in the not so distant future, those sweet boys of yours will tell you just how grateful they are for all you've done and taught them. That, my friend, is the greatest gift you will ever receive and make up for all the days, as a mom, you questioned your abilities!

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  13. Something you said about having only two (not 3,4,5 like other moms you know) resonated with me today. I always wanted 4. I have "only" two. And yet two are so hard. There are days I have felt like I wasn't enough...that I had missed the mark somehow. And then a friend reminded me: there is nothing more holy or spiritual about having more children. it doesn't mean you are a better and stronger. The same doubts still creep in. But we have a defense against those lies: the truth of God...that we are enough because HE is enough!

    Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart!
    Linsey

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  14. Being a mother to four children (two of them being identical twin boys that their dad still has trouble telling apart) all under the age of 10.
    I know what it is like to have a brood and how wonderful it can be and having felt all the things described in your blogg above Tess, we all feel it but sometimes now that the children are a little older and not toddlers I can see that at times more is easier, a friend of mine has two and hers are always at each other but mine have more options and don't have to play with the same child all the time, if two are not getting along they just go play with another sibling and I think the distraction of more children can be a good think to keep harmony , I think it doesn't really make a huge difference how many you have all the feelings and trials are still the same and I know every night when I have given the last little on his kiss good night I wonder what I could have done better that day and just hope that I get it right the next.

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